What as a English man should I look out for on a trip to the USA.
USA is really quite safe, just remember to not be black or a woman
Oh and wear a ballistics vest if you’re going anywhere near a school
Also not arabic or queer. Also dont cross streets without a green light or you might get vaporized by an orbital drone for the royal offense of “jaywalking”
And don’t try to stand in some place idly outside for more than a minute. They call that “loitering” and it’s the barbaric act of experiencing being alive in public without spending a dime.
When does the freedom kick in?
When you swipe your credit card and leave a generous tip, of course!
Fascists 😜
If you go to NYC a slice of pizza is all you need to fuel your entire day.
Where in the USA are you going. Saying you’re going to the USA is like saying you’re going to europe. There’s a vast difference between the different states and regions within those states.
Don’t try to bring food. I’ve seen people stopped for smuggling meat. You’re probably okay with packaged sweets or chocolate, but you should declare it.
Don’t be fooled into thinking you can get tea if you see it offered. It may be some strange flavour, or very weak, or iced, or all three. And it will be hard to explain that you want milk and sugar with it.
Biscuits are good enough, but chocolate is rough.
And, of course, a “biscuit” will mean a type of savory scone.
If your shop, at most stores they will pack shopping bags for you and are a little shocked and overly grateful if you do it yourself.
Be prepared to tip in many circumstances (but not, oddly enough, for having your groceries packed).
Be prepared to be asked about football, the Beatles, the Queen, maybe even the King.
Don’t be offended is someone attempts to do a British accent at you, it’s meant as a friendly greeting.
If driving:
Four-way stops are like roundabouts without the roundabout. But with stop signs.
Pedestrians are not expected to look out for traffic, but are not allowed to just cross anywhere. So it balances out.
Someone has stolen the clutch pedals from all the cars.
The last one got me. A friend of mine from the US asked if my partner could drive a manual. I was confused at first, “can’t everyone?”
On the reality show The Amazing Race, it’s never the rock climbing or skiing or skydiving that holds back the teams. It’s driving the manual rental car from the airport.
I drive manual in the UK but have never tried a left-hand-drive manual car, I’d probably keep hitting the door with my left hand.
I did that all the time driving a manual in Japan and England the other way around. 🤣
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Don’t forget your gun. America is extremely dangerous but only if you’re unarmed. All the criminals and cops can smell if you have a gun and they’ll be too afraid to do anything to you if you have one.
Also you can’t trust our water, so it’s purely Soda and Budweiser while you’re here. Locals might tell you to eat at local restaurants but their stomachs are habituated. You’ll need to stick to McDonald’s. Luckily there is one on every single corner.
If you get injured you should avoid using an ambulance as they will take you directly to a hospital. In the US that’s just where we go to die. You need to drive yourself to an Urgent Care doctor. If you can’t drive yourself and have to use an ambulance then there is a complimentary memorial wreath that can be sent to your family. Along with the invoice for your death care of course.
The US is smaller than it appears on maps. This is because most maps are not American centric and have to expand the US to show the ratio properly. You might have budgeted multiple days to travel between the coasts but you really can just do New York one day and the Grand Canyon the next day.
Did I miss anything? Oh yeah it’s traditional to make a bomb joke with the customs agent as you come into the country. Especially if you can manage a middle eastern accent. All of us do it. It’s a grand joke.
Did I miss anything?
Cops are usually chill and laid back, but they get tired of the monotony of their job sometimes and appreciate the use of erratic, unpredictable movement when interacting with them. They also like someone who is proactive, so instead of waiting for them to ask you for your licence and registration, just jump right out of your car as soon as they step out of theirs and pull your wallet out of your pocket as quickly as you can for them. You’ll never have an issue with the cops again after this.
