Tsk, everyone knows you shouldn’t use magnets to hold floppy disks. Just staple them into your lever arch file.

It depends what you want to do with it. If it’s just for storing files/backups then encrypt them before uploading and make sure the key never goes anywhere near the VPS. If it’s for serving up something like a simple website, you probably care more about data integrity than exfiltration, so make sure you have the security, including selinux or equivalent, locked down, and regularly run integrity checks. If it’s for running something interactive, or where data will be generated or downloaded to the machine, you’re out of luck, there’s no even theoretical way of securing that against an adversary with that much access.

Use cheap, low density wax and it’ll slowly melt under the studio lights over to course of the program, which would be hilarious.

There’s a difference between ‘processing’ the text and ‘parsing’ it. The processing described in the section you posted it fine, and you can manage a similar level of processing on HTML. The tricky/impossible bit is parsing the languages. For instance you can’t write a regex that’ll relibly find the subject, object and verb in any english sentence, and you can’t write a regex that’ll break an HTML document down into a hierarchy of tags as regexs don’t support counting depth of recursion, and HTML is irregular anyway, meaning it can’t be reliably parsed with a regular parser.